Jiana Saad, a specialist in emotional intelligence and applied neuroscience, is offering a new training course titled Emotional Leadership: Managing Pressure, Difficult Conversations and Engagement. Its program includes an approach to holding difficult conversations that have been put off for too long. We wanted to understand how it works. Interview.
Can you describe what is meant by a difficult conversation in the workplace? How does tension take hold in a team or between two people?
Jiana Saad: What you notice first is never the problem. It’s the climate. Meetings get shorter. People stop suggesting ideas. Someone stops complaining, and that is often the worst signal, because a person who complains is still engaged. The natural reflex is to wait for it to pass. We tell ourselves it’s just a bad week and that things will sort themselves out.
And that’s when, as a manager, you need to have these difficult conversations?
J. S.: Yes, because a tension that isn’t addressed doesn’t disappear. It moves. It comes out as a curt tone, as a meeting that veers off over an insignificant detail, as a collaboration that slows down without anyone being able to say why.
How do you prepare for a difficult conversation with a team or an employee?
J. S.: The first step is to separate facts from your interpretations. It’s the step everyone skips. We walk into the conversation with a complete story in our heads. Something like: “she doesn’t respect me, he doesn’t care about me”… when all we’ve actually observed are behaviors!
It’s one of the most useful tips I give in training: a manager who has written down their first sentence is much more likely to actually have the conversation. And the first sentence often decides the rest.
How do you take the first steps?
J. S.: Start with a fact, never with a judgment. And talk about yourself, not the other person. “I notice that…” opens the conversation, whereas a phrasing like “You are…” shuts it down immediately.
There is a neurological reason for this. An accusatory sentence triggers the alarm system in the other person’s brain: they go into defense mode before they’ve even heard what comes next. You’ve lost the conversation before you’ve started it.
Ask a real question, such as: “What’s going on for you?” And then be quiet. Silence is managers’ weakest muscle. We ask the question and fill the void three seconds later. It is precisely in that silence that the other person decides whether they will tell you the truth.
How should you react when the other person becomes defensive or isn’t open to the conversation?
J. S.: If the other person becomes defensive, don’t push. It’s counterintuitive, but insisting always makes the situation worse. When someone becomes defensive, their brain has perceived a threat. Often a threat to their status, to their competence, or to their sense of being treated fairly. In that state, they no longer hear arguments, they protect themselves.
If that happens, what can you do?
J. S.: Three things work. Name what you observe, without blame: “I can see this is affecting you.” Slow down. Lower your volume, slow your pace. Calm is as contagious as tension. And accept postponing. “I think we should talk about it again tomorrow” is not a failure. It’s a decision. A conversation resumed after cooling off almost always goes better than one forced in the heat of the moment.
How do you move toward a resolution?
J. S.: A resolution doesn’t mean agreeing. It means knowing precisely what is going to change. Always finish with three elements: what was heard, what is being asked concretely, and when you will speak again. That last point is the one people forget. Without a follow-up date, the conversation becomes an isolated event, and three weeks later, you’re back to square one.
Also, if you reacted badly during the conversation, repair it. Name what happened, acknowledge the effect, say what you will do differently. A manager who repairs earns more respect than a manager who has never slipped, because repairing takes courage, and a team recognizes courage immediately.
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